So, Andy Roddick went out at the US Open tonight (last night, really). This topped off a pretty poor season, where he's been suffering from mono, according to reports. Not to mention, of course, that despite his macho act and years of attempting to change his style, he pretty much plays like a chick with a freakishly big serve, standing miles behind the baseline most of the time.
I know whereof I speak, because I like standing back there, too.
No doubt this is all frustrating. It must be awful to be such a pussy on the court when you're famous for your machismo, for having a horndog reputation before you hooked up with that supermodel wife.
Still, dude, do we have to be treated to the out-and-out abuse of a lineswoman who happened to make a CORRECT foot fault call, just because nobody has ever called a foot fault on you before? We know you're that snarky-hip-hot-American-hero, but don't you think calling her incompetent, "rent-a-ref" and worse, was a little out-of-line? Does it matter which foot she saw stepping on that line? It was your really your mouth that ended up crossing it.
Maybe you should have pulled a Serena and tried to hit her with your racket . . . that would have been REALLY macho.
Listen up, Roddick. I, for one, am sick of your shit. I think you got off easy with all that MOJO crap back in the day. You should have been more of a tennis laughing-stock. You lost it then (your "mojo"), and you never found it. All the jingo-istic American sports pundits crawling up your butt can't change the fact that you're a one-hit wonder (one Grand Slam win, that is), and it was some sort of fluke that you got that one. (Who were you screwing at the time? Mandy Moore? Really?)
Oh, and that bracelet you jiggle on your wrist, the one you ripped off from Lance Armstrong's foundation, it reminds me of the way Chrissie Evert used to jiggle her bracelets before she returned serve. And if nobody ever told you, it makes you look like a PUSSY.
Jimmy Connors quit you as a coach, because he couldn't be seen working with such a PUSSY. Connors may be playing with a loose set of strings, but even he knows the net is far north of where you're standing. You remember the net, right? It's that place you have to go to shake hands with the guy who just kicked your ass.
And, by the way, Janko Tipsarevic may never have hosted 'Saturday Night Live,' but he's a better tennis player than you are.
And he has a prettier wife, too.
(If only I could have screamed all this at you on center court at Arthur Ashe Stadium . . . then you'd know what it felt like to be that lineswoman. And that would be really sweet, now wouldn't it?)