Okay, this whole snow thing? Can't happen. We have too much to do this week, and Portland is incapable of handling snow.

Christian Bale: Get ready to win an Oscar. You deserve it, believe me. But please don't sound like you've just loaded both nostrils when you take the stage. And ignore anybody adjusting the lights. Today you're my favorite character actor (even though I prefer you as a leading man).

Co-workers 'o mine: Let's keep the drama to a bare minimum. I'm done with drama this week. Except for stories starring Christian Bale. And when I say "I'm done," I'm done.

Sponsors: Let's all play nice. I'm going to be as honest and accommodating as I can.

Media: Don't even think about not turning out for our press conference. I'm serious.

Appliances and other inanimate objects around the house: No more breaking down. Furnace, keep running. We can use toothpicks to make the microwave work, maybe the cable company can get me re-connected in the bathroom (yes, bathroom) and hopefully my toilet will keep flushing for another six or seven days. It's not like I use it that much . . .

Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal: Do not get injured. Stay healthy. Stay happy. Stay hunky. And get ready to come play tennis just a few feet from my drooling lips. It looks like my tix are in the 7th row (of some section, at least).

Now that I've got all that off my chest, we're heading out to see the Best Picture, 'The King's Speech,' to finish off a great holiday weekend!