First, make a (random) list of 12 of your favorite characters:
1. Lancelot (Ioan Gruffudd, 'King Arthur')
2. Johnny Lancer (James Stacy, 1968 western, 'Lancer')
3. Jim Street (Colin Farrell, of course, 'S.W.A.T.')
4. Hector (Eric Bana, 'Troy')
5. Bagoas (Francisco Bosch, 'Alexander')
6. Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint, 'Harry Potter')
7. Bobby Morrow (Colin again, 'A Home at the End of the World')
8. Boromir (Sean Bean, 'LOTR')
9. Maximus (Russell Crowe, 'Gladiator')
10. Artemus Gordon (Ross Martin, 'Wild, Wild West')
11. Gil Grissom (William Peterson, 'CSI')
12. April Dancer (Stefanie Powers, 'Girl from U.N.C.L.E.')
Then, go under the cut for the questions (and answers). If you plan on playing, try not to cheat (it's more fun that way!).
1. Does 10 strike you as a voyeur or an exhibitionist? (Artemus Gordon from 'Wild, Wild West')
Definitely a voyeur. Makes me think of my pervy fanfic, "Found Among the Papers of Jeremy Pike." Artie will watch Jim West do *anything*!
2. Who in all the multiverse would 11 most likely bottom to? (Gil Grissom from 'CSI')
I have a hard time imagining Gil as a bottom, but he might go that way just to experience it, even with somebody like Nick, playing some sort of psychological game or maybe trying to bolster Nick's confidence after his nasty experience last season . . . (of course, read on -- who knows what might happen!)
3. Would you rather do 3 or 5? (Jim Street from 'S.W.A.T.' or Bagoas from 'Alexander')
3, absolutely. I'd do Jim Street any way he wanted (and maybe a couple he didn't . . .)!
4. Which of 4 and 1 would you rather have do you? (Hector from 'Troy' or Lancelot from 'King Arthur')
Uh, that would be 4. Hector can do me quite effectively by just walking in the room and putting on his greaves!
5. 12 + 2 are having sex in an airplane. Construct a snippet of dialogue that happens during this encounter. (April Dancer from 'Girl From UNCLE' and Johnny Lancer from 'Lancer')
"Ma'am, I hope that's not hurtin' your bottom too much."
"It's not! It's not! Don't stop."
"Hold up a minute. My hat nearly fell off."
"Forget the damn hat, cowboy! You haven't lost your boots, have you? Just go for it!"
"That tiny skirt is sure convenient."
"It's called a mini-skirt, and how can anything you have to wear black fishnet stockings with be convenient?"
"Lady, is that your pen makin' that noise?"
"Stop right there! It's my boss calling. Oh, just forget it! I wish those damn communicators had voice mail."
"Miss April, I'm gettin' close."
"Be a gentleman, and wait for me!"
"Ouch! Holy hell, what was that?"
"It's called an air pocket. Now dig your spurs into the door and re-mount!"
6. How much would you pay to see naked pictures of 11? Have you? Where can the rest of us find these pictures? (Gil Grissom from CSI)
No doubt there are manips out there. But I'll pass, thanks.
7. Where are 5 and 9 most likely to have sex? Who on your flist is most likely to write it? (Bagoas of 'Alexander' and Maximus of 'Gladiator')
In one of the maze of rooms under the Roman Coliseum. Bagoas is a slave sent to pleasure the gladiators before they face off in the arena. The evil emperor Commodus already knows Bagoas is very skilled, so he chooses him especially for Maximus, hoping to weaken him. (Ummm, I think I've already started to write it myself!)
8. When 12 masturbates, s/he thinks about... (April Dancer from 'Girl from UNCLE')
Davy Jones of the Monkees. She gets wet just thinking about him singing "I Wanna Be Free."
9. What is 11's favorite sex toy? (Gil Grissom from 'CSI')
(Gee, there are a lot of #11 questions!) I guess Gil's favorite sex toy would have to be a book about entomology and a bottle of Astroglide.
10. Come up with a title for a 12/7/1 threeway. Would you read it? Would you write it? What would some of the warnings be? (April, Bobby Morrow from 'A Home at the End of the World' and Lancelot from 'King Arthur')
This is a challenging one . . . "A Spy at the End of the Wall" or "The Night of the Knight Affair." April Dancer is enjoying a cup of coffee after just having her bangs trimmed when Bobby offers her a slice of his fresh-baked apple pie . . . April's in gustatory heaven when the Thrush agent enters the diner and hits them both with his Acme Wayback Machine. Lancelot comes to the rescue when April and Bobby are beset by Woads who don't care that April knows judo and think Bobby is their long-lost cousin Colin. Lancelot rescues them both and takes them back to the fort, where . . .
Warnings: Slash, het, bondage, some scat and character death.
11. Who's more likely to be tied up during (consensual) sex, 2 or 6? (Johnny Lancer or Ron Weasley from 'Harry Potter')
I'm starting to think Johnny might let (his bro) Scott tie him up, but my Ron has no intention of being tied up consensually (for sex, tickling or anything).
12. If 11 and 3 are carrying on a torrid and forbidden love affair, who's most likely to spill the beans? What would the other person do to retaliate? (Gil Grissom again and Jim Street)
Gil Grissom is a man of many secrets, it seems, but Street will tell Hondo all -- he just can't keep it from his sarge. He's so straightforward, he tells Gil he told Hondo! Gil's retaliation is simple. He cuts Jimbo off forever and never takes his calls again. Kinda ruins those long Vegas weekends for Street. (God, another angsty 'S.W.A.T.' story! 'Scars 2'?)
13. As a birthday present, 7's longtime lover 5 offers to do whatever 7 wants in bed. What's 7's secret birthday wish? (Bobby and Bagoas)
Well, Bagoas is always willing to do whatever Bobby wants in bed. Unfortunately, Bobby only likes to do whatever his lover wants him to do. So . . . the two have never actually had sex. On Bobby's birthday, Bagoas grants him his wish and invites his lord, Alexander, to come and instruct them *both* what to do!
14. Choose a food item for 4 & 12 to use together. (Hector and April)
Hector reaches for the rich wine-marinated meat sauce to lap off April's nubile belly, but she turns up her nose and hands him a burger. He has no idea how to introduce a burger into their sex life, but he takes a big bite and absolutely loves it. Sex is postponed for a few minutes.
15. 8 + 4 are in a fulltime D/s relationship. Who's the top? (Boromir from 'LOTR' and Hector)
Boromir finally makes an appearance!
Who's the top between Boromir and Hector? Doesn't this explain why both these guys died in their respective tales? (Now you have 'the rest of the story'!)
16. Which fetish is 9 least likely to indulge? (Maximus)
Well, it's not his cross-dressing fetish. It must be the master/slave fetish. He really hates that one.
17. What would you do if you had 8 naked, willing, and ready in your bed? What would 5 do if s/he had 8 naked, willing and able in his/her bed? (Boromir and Bagoas)
If Boromir were naked, willing and ready in my bed, I'd climb right on (after giving him a very cursory once over with a washrag). Bagoas would use his amazing erotic arts on Boromir, teaching him a few tricks even Faramir never learned back in Gondor.
18. What wouldn't 10 + 4 tell their friends about their sex life, assuming they had both a mutual sex life and some friends? (Artemus Gordon of 'Wild, Wild West' and Hector)
Artemus would never reveal to Jim West that he dressed up in a blonde wig and a tunic for Hector, and Hector would never reveal he was schtubbing someone who worshipped gods as puny as the Muses.
19. 10 gets a tattoo to declare his/her eternal love for 9. Where is it? What does it say?
(Artemus Gordon/Maximus) Too easy! It's on his (substantial) butt. And it says "Strength and Honor."
20. Imagine that 2 writes erotic 11/6 fic. What sort of summary might the fic he/she writes have? (Johnny writes Grissom/Ron Weasley smut)
Sum'ry: It's May Sweeps, so the CSI team is called to Hogwarts to figure out who murdered James and Lily Potter by tryin' to get some of that DNA stuff from Harry's scar. Grissom gets a look at Ron and remembers how he used to have a hankerin' for the redheaded little girl in Peanuts. The good lookin' older woman on his team tries to warn him, but he can't resist Ron's charms. (Damn! The moderator says I gotta warn about this bein' 'underage.' Ron seems old enough to me, but alright.)
21. If 2 walked into the room wearing nothing but a red thong and a feather boa, how would 8 react? (Johnny's wearing the thong and Boromir's reacting)
He'd take his sword and kill the guy, plain and simple. And with his dying breath, Johnny would thank him!
22. And the obligatory fill in the blanks erotic fairy tale: 9 and 1 are having a quickie in a broom closet when 8 walks in on them. Naturally enough, 8 joins in, first paging 3, who's in the middle of fucking 5 into the mattress. 3 abandons 5 on the verge of orgasm, excited by the possibility of illicit broom closet sex, and 5, irate, becomes a highly paid prostitute until the well-meaning and generous 4 attempts to rescue him/her. But 5 will have none of it, refuses to be redeemed, and opens a high-class brothel in Los Angeles, where 10 is one of his/her regular clients.
Maximus, looking for a restroom, sees a door bearing the sign 'Heroes.' Assuming it's a urinal for well-endowed men, he enters and finds Lancelot waiting in the shadows. He forgets he needs to piss and instead decides to let Lance clean his pipes. Before they can finish, Boromir walks in. He's seen these special 'Heroes' broom closets before, and he recites the motto under his breath before he opens the door ("A Good Broom Sweeps Clean"). He's delighted to join Max and Lance, as spending weeks with a fellowship of Men, Elves, a Dwarf and a Wizard has prepared him for anything.
He decides it would be good to give a modern hero a chance, so he pages 'S.W.A.T.' officer, Jim Street. Jimbo has just been tasting the pleasures of a Persian boy, learning a lot about himself in the bargain. Bagoas is begging for it when Street gets Boromir's page and can't resist the call. (If man-on-man action is this fun with a eunuch, what will it be like with three classical heroes? And it's not like Bagoas can get 'blue balls,' for God's sake!)
Terribly disappointed, Bagoas returns to the life of a concubine, this time for Trojan Crown Prince Hector. Hector spends hours trying to convince Bagoas that Alexander should have idolized *him* -- not Achilles. But Bagoas isn't impressed and decides to leave Troy to open up his own brothel in Jim Street's hometown, Los Angeles (just to bug him). His infamous house of pleasure, 'Seraglio' ('Babylon' was already taken), specializes in servicing cops and secret agents, and he's delighted to welcome James West and Artemus Gordon whenever their train steams into town.
22. a) The story you've just written is closest to the canon of which 'verse? b) What would you entitle this story? c) who's most out of character? d) who on your flist would read it? e) who on your flist is probably writing this right now?
This convoluted tale would most likely have been penned by Homer (with a lot of gods thrown in), so it's closest to Hector's verse. Thus, it would be entitled "A Persian Odyssey" or "Bagoas Finally Gets the Last Laugh." Jim Street is most out of character, because it's doubtful he'd ever take on Bagoas unless he had him confused him with his boyish girlfriend, Lara. FatJoey would be most likely to read and love this story (offering kickass feedback) and possibly to steal the idea (but he would be too damn lazy to actually write it).
Whew! That took a good two hours of hard work, but if fun isn't hard work, why bother? huh?
Now I guess I should get to writing that job description, which should take less than half that time!
ETA: I'm so glad I included April on this list (and that I put her where I did). She was my favorite, I think, in this ensemble!